My Blog

I usually like to go for a walk or something nice on my Saturday afternoons, since it is my one true day off. Sundays I usually do laundry and take my grandmother out to lunch. Last Saturday it was kind of rainy so I decided to take my parents’ dog to Laumeier Sculpture Park. (I don’t have any pets of my own, I can barely take care of myself) Since it was rainy and shitty out, the dog and I had the park to ourselves… or so we thought. I decided to not go though the woods because it would be too muddy so I took the path that winds around the green spaces. After you pass the giant red sculpture, the path goes over a hill and winds down in to a more secluded parking lot than the one by the main entrance. I hadn’t seen a single other person there, but in this secluded parking lot, there was a parked SUV with the engine running and the driver sitting with his back rigid and his hands on the steering wheel. At first I thought that this kind of odd, why would someone be parked in a remote s parking lot with the engine running in the middle of a rainy Saturday afternoon? I couldn’t see any anyone else in the car but I though that the only explination for him being there and sitting that way in his SUV was that he was being serviced in some way. the path empties into the parking lot and resumes on the other end, and for me and the dog to continue there was no way to avoid the parking lot. So we contunied on our way and walked discretely passed the parked SUV and picked up the path on the other end. After it picks up again the path contunues on for a little while and then loops back into the parking lot. When we returned to the parking lot, the SUV was still parked there, and this time I did see another person in the car. I saw someone from behind kind of start to stand up in the car and I saw a bare ass. I’m assuming that it was a man’s ass because it was kind of hairy, but I coud be wrong. This made our return trip across the parking lot somewhat more awkward, because now I knew for sure that the driver was being serviced. I tried to hide my face behind my umbrella as I walked by, and as I did so, a stupid thought occured to me, what If these two guys were mafia, and now I knew their secret, they coud very easily run me and the dog over, and nobody would be there to see it, and nobody any wiser. But nothing like that happened.

I was in Vintage Vinyl last Sunday afternoon, one of the employees there use to work with an old roommate of mine at a different record store. I usually see him around and he use to come to our parties, so I usually chat it up with him whenever I see him. He was working at the listening booth that day, and was talking to this guy who I guess was one of his friends. I made some comment about how disgusting it was outside, and the guy told me not to remind him because he had to be outside in it all the next day. I found out that this was because he works in a cemetery, and I immediately thought that any one who works in a cemetery should use the word "cemetery" in front of their name like some sort of title, i.e. "Cemetery Bob".  I found out that his name was in fact Robert and I couldn’t help but tell him my idea. He wasn’t offended but didn’t really see the humor in it, and explained to me that he didn’t often like to let it slip that he works in a cemetery because it didn’t really help him with the ladies. I asked him if he actually measured each grave to make sure it was 6 ft deep or if he just kind of eyed it. He looked at me and told me that they got 4 if they’re lucky and that whole notion that people got buried 6 ft deep was bullshit, and that nowhere did they actually bury you 6 ft deep.  This shallow grave policy wasn’t limited to his cemetery, it was pretty much the standard.  He said that only twice in his 15 yr career of working in the cemetery had he actually dug a grave that was 6 ft deep and by law they only really had to dig them below the frost line which is only 2 or 3 ft. He went on to tell more shocking stories about working in the cemetery, but none were as shocking as this revelation.  99.9% of people go about their lives believing in this lie. One other shocking thing that he told me was that if you were homeless or nobody claimed your body, that over the years the City of St. Louis had gotten so fucking cheap that they buried you in a cardboard box.  The body was laid on a wooded board for support and slid into a cardboard box and wrapped with plastic cinches and then thrown into the ground.